This is Part 3 of Playing with Fire
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Another text came through just as he finished standing my other co-worker tossed it over to me. They all stared in awe waiting for me to communicate it to them, but I turned my head away before the first tear betrayed me. Williams handed me a paper towel and told me not to ruin my face. I tilted my head to the side and let the tears fall onto the paper towel, handed him my phone and got myself together in the restroom.
When I came out Williams said that he handled it. I asked him if I should still come clean, he advised me against it but I didn’t listen. I called him late that afternoon and came clean about everything. He yelled at me for an hour, but I didn’t cry, I let the tears fall till they were done falling.
Nick knew everything would be new to me. I don’t think he would’ve given me time to think. It would’ve gone like zero-to-sixty, this is gonna hurt a lil’ . . .
I should’ve known I wasn’t allowed to sin or that I’d be held to a higher standard. Mr. BlueBalls (formerly Nick) will never forgive me. This should be a sin that gets forgiven. He was my advisor. My Mr. Big *Sex in the City*. I think I acted like that cause I felt like prey. I knew he’d tempt me, so I put him on the advising committee. I let him advise me about the guys in my life. His advice was pretty much on point. I would’ve hung out with him, if life wasn’t so busy (in public) but I had no intention of going to his place.
I didn’t want to be alone with him with my virginity there. A close call with rape in House of Pain convinced me to play it safe. It guides me in the way I dress and behave and forces me to work on areas hard to tame.
I’d like to wear a dress on a date. I like dresses but others are safe. Safe because there’s buttons and zippers to protect me but trouble starts in the way I think before and after the date. It even creates trouble during it. How much porn am I going to need to regroup after this ? If I watch it before will I be able to behave?
I ask myself, will I be able to keep up with the conversation while wandering how far we’ll go physically? Will I be disappointed at the end? If they’ll be a second date?If I ask him to kiss me is that being too forward? Will he kiss me or will he make me wait?
Nick knew everything would be new to me. I don’t think he would’ve given me time to think. It would’ve gone like zero-to-sixty, this is gonna hurt a lil’ bit. I’d be writing about it into the next day. It makes me wonder if my lack of a first kiss saved me? Did starting from the neck down keep me conscious? Is that why I communicate stop, slow, wait like traffic signals? Is that why I’ve remained conscious. I know my virginity is there to protect me. I haven’t even tempted it the way I could when guys were plenty. I’ve been evolving in the way I see what men attract me. The types I’m attracted to are constantly changing.
I don’t want to date anyone outside my weight class. I want them to take care of themselves to grow old with me. Nick hates me now. I understand how his hatred’s warranted. Is forgiveness sending my calls straight to voicemail? John 8:7 says “Let he who’s never sinned cast the first stone”. Nick G. must be perfect then cause I struck out that same day.
To check out what happens when Adrianna reaches out to him
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