I bet society has no idea they groomed me for porn cause they were subtle in the way they did it. It started with the kiss at the end of every Disney movie and accelerated with make out scenes and sex.
* * *
I was shopping with my dad we were in the dollar store and there were romance novels with women scantily dressed. My sister looked at it in awe and asked dad if we could get it, he casually said you’ll read those when you’re older. I was not yet ten, my sister was younger than me, I didn’t understand why he’d be okay with it later. It’s like he knew I’d have no control, that I’d get sucked in, but I expected him to steer me from it.
* * *
Dad continued shopping and my sister snuck off and headed in the direction of the aisle of romance. I followed her curiously and smiled when we arrived, I too was impressed with the illustrations. She said what I was thinking, how come there’s only one picture? But we both consumed all our eyes could get.
“He’s hot A, but that girl ain’t cute enough”
((I just signed and admired her dress))
But I was drawn to more than her dress, I was drawn to the cleavage and the breast, breast I hadn’t developed yet. Something in me was also drawn to the text even though the images were only on the front.
* * *
When I became a teen I discovered romance novels in the house and found myself peeking into my lil sis’s stash. I was too shy to ask her permission and snuck to read it behind her back. They had sex in these books, everything in it was step by step, kissing, making out and “SEX“. And while I reveled in the former stages I anticipated the sex. I never seemed to get enough of it. My little sis had fresh content on the regular and it wasn’t easy stealing her books. She must’ve realized I was interested cause her collection kinda grew. She borrowed more books from older women and traded with friends too.
The Library’s Stash
Nothing surprised me more than the books with the library pocketed stamp on it, I had no idea the library stocked them too. I was too shy to get my own books but she always thought of me. She would call me in her room and tell me I could choose from this selection but had to wait to read that. My secret was safe with her but I was unconsciously growing my addiction to the point where I was just skimming for action. It eventually got to the point where books weren’t enough, I heard of porn but didn’t want to watch that.
Trying Porn
Actual porn started later, even then it was touch and go. There was only one computer in the house, next to the living room. That computer eventually got moved to my parent’s bedroom, a place I didn’t want to be caught watching porn in. I learned to plan my times ahead by faking illnesses and expressing my desire to practice my instruments when they weren’t home. I asked God to forgive me for the time I forgot to close the site. My parents accused my brother of watching it. They not only reprimanded him, they prayed for him and coached him. I think that’s why I think I’m consciously nice to him .
Tablets came out and my parents invested in a second computer, the first one kept getting viruses. I consumed all I could in the hours no one was around and was always on the lookout for new content. Sometimes I’d feel like I was the only virgin girl in the world addicted to porn but I’d find comfort in seeing girls in porn watching porn.
Click here for Part 2
Adrianna comes clean with everyone but Ryan and her parents.
Click here to find out how my accused brother takes it.
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Adrianna's Diary of a Church Girl 