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I said I would behave with no intention of behaving
now I have no choice but to do the right thing
I can’t be alone, I mean I can be for a little while before the urge to seek a man’s company overwhelms me completely. And I feel like I’m dying, everyday is harder than the next. There is a part of me that is already dead and I will suffer until I’m joined with death completely.
Nothing can keep me here, I’m too forgone, love and lust are just a means to an end. I said I would behave with no intention of behaving and now I have no choice but to do the right thing.
I miss X-Mas Weekend but I may never see him again, he was diagnosed with a fatal illness a few weeks ago. I’d still see him if he asked but he is useless to me now, it would hurt him too much to satisfy me while still in recovery. He tires easily, his pills make him throw up, that and the combination of dialysis doesn’t leave him with a bright future.
I remember how he likes my honesty, always smiling at my response and laughing even though it wasn’t funny.
X-Mas Weekend would ask:
“Why’d you come over”
“I needed to see you”
“You needed to see me”
“Please don’t make me beg”
After this little game he’d give me what I want and I’d stay over until curfew threatened me seeing him again. So maybe his illness is a good thing, it’ll keep me from misbehaving, I could fall asleep in his bed while he’s resting next to me.
Let Me Be Clear
I don’t wish evil on anyone but it’s eating me up that he’s sick
but I have no choice but to leave him alone.
I miss him like crazy but it’s too early to see him again,
I’ll see him eventually, hopefully before it is too late.
Being Selfish
It’s selfish of me to stay away from him but I know what I’ve become, I’d hurt him in effortlessly if I tried to seek pleasure from him while he’s still in pain. So if I ever go see him I would have had to have my satisfaction the night before because even after that it might not be enough to keep my clothes on.
“Because life without X-Mas is a death within itself
because porn doesn’t do it anymore”.
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